Sunday, June 10, 2012

So, it seems...

We all do it. Pine for something and wish and wait and work. Then when it seems that what you have been wishing for waiting for and working towards is here and it is seemingly anit-climatic, we stop short. Feel ungrateful because we are stunned and inside asking is this really it? But of course, we cannot show that on the outside because their is always someone who has had to sacrifice something for you to get where you currently are, and that would look like you are unappreciative of their efforts. OR their is someone who has judged your life as everything that they long for and they think you HAVE IT ALL! and how dare you feel empty, unmotivated, and depressed.

I recently had the opportunity to stop working in the box and am working from home doing what I love. I am a 90 to nothing kind of girl. I seem to perform better under pressure(productivity wise, not managing the stress of it all). My schedule has slowed and I am working less and trying to recover from the madness of the schedule the groupon I ran caused. With that said, I am less focused and tend to run a muck when I am not just slammed. I am still doing projects and cleaning and trying to incorporate exercise. I just feel like a slug most of te time right now. I am not sure why, but, I always feel like I am not doing enough to be all I think I want to be. How can I write a blog, run a business, eat right, exercise, raise a 5 year old, clean the house, be a good wife, be a good christian, and not feel stressed out from it all.

Some days the possibilities are limitless for me. I get overwhelmed by the ideals of what I should do, what I want to do, and what I realistically have the energy and stamina TO DO. So I do nothing and then mentally beat myself up for wasting another gift of a day. Do you feel this way at all?

I signed up for the warrior dash in hopes to FORCE myself to really commit to exercise. I know this is the last piece of the health puzzle for me and I RESIST it? I do not understand it AT ALL? Do you?

I talk about health and nutrition everyday all day long with my clients. I am ahead of the game, I know this. I just feel like I am somehow letting myself down almost every single day. Like I should have used every single minute to move forward towards that next goal. I become irrate with the expectations that I set for myself. I try not to set them at all and I tell myself I am not, but it is like they are imprinted on my every bit of being. Like the secret code imprinted on the inner lining of the mold I was created in. I have days that are downright dark. I have that jewelry drawer that I refuse to clean out and I throw my clothes all over the closet. Is it my rage for working so hard in retail clothing and accessories for so long, because it was the perfect place to hide,until I was found out and dumped on the cosmic floor broken and without the instructions on how to rebuild. Well I did rebuild and I am sure these are the lingering affects the struggle had on my mind and body. I say struggle because It was like a floating head full of enlightenment pulling the dead wait body behind it.(and her family's resistance to her every step, as well. Heaviness)

This blog was more for me to begin putting my inner thoughts to words again. It might make sense to some, offend some, and connect some. Either way...I feel better for writing it.

I am not perfect and am definitely not unapproachable about the struggles of everyday life. I feel overweight, dingy, and sluggish some of the time. Let's lift each other out of our own self destructing piles of rubble and build something strong and unmoving. Stop the judgement and specualtion. Interact and put yourself in other peoples shoes. Peace~ A